Some of Me

Three years and I still wail like a baby at the thought of you. The vivid images of this day, three years ago haunt me as my eyelids grow heavy. 

I couldn’t sleep. I can’t sleep. Not now. Not with my memory replaying the events over and over and over again, for hours on end. My mind trying to work out scenarios that would have led to a different outcome. What I could have done better, if only…! why didn’t I…Had I only…You’d be here now. 

Well but your not. And I have tried to live with that reality every day, of every week of the years that have past. And yes! I still ask why?! Contrary to what I am told I should do. I’m sorry… but I do. 

Today though, today was worse than usual, my memory played it’s same cruel games. But instead of keeping me up like it usually does, it let me drift, fall asleep and a deep deep sleep at that where nothing could distract it. Then it took me back, 3 years ago,  to our last conversation, and made me remember the love in your voice, and the promise I made you, and the plans of celebration we were making. I relived each and every moment. As if for the first time…

…finally, waking up soaked in tears, to look at my clock and realise the night hasn’t even begun. 

I am believer in there being a purpose for everything in life, even when it is cruel and unusual punishment. So I let my memory be. 

Then out of the blue, I felt the sudden and urgent need for air, the morning sea breeze. I couldn’t control it. I found myself out of bed and throwing on random articles of clothing…and running out of the house. Literally running for the seaside. Like my life was dependent on it. Me! running! I actual laughed at what the sight of that would be. Before sunrise. Anyone would have thought I had lost my marbles. 

I kept saying please wait for me! No idea why, until I noticed that the sun had not risen. I kept telling him, “wait for me” as I hurried on (briskly walking now)

This was me, competing with the elements, because I desparately needed to be there when the sun first made its appearace.  I didn’t know why. I still don’t know why.

I found a spot on the pier, where below my feet the ocean waves crashed into the huge rocks. I needed that sound. The loud thunder, to silence my mind. And I waited.

 And you know what? 

He waited for me. 

And I burst into to tears. Wishing Ol’man would ask me not to cause it made him sad. But I couldn’t help it. I was so grateful and I couldn’t believe he waited. It may sound crazy but that’s ok. He waited!